I haven’t been blogging because I haven’t been running. It’s simple and to the point. I experienced a major setback after finishing my first marathon. I went from an extreme runner’s high to an extreme runner’s depression. My motivation was gone. Despite that, this morning I realized that this blog isn’t just about running. It’s about becoming closer to Christ one day at a time. Even when I experience physical setbacks, I still am pursuing Christ. Lack of exercise does not mean I love Jesus less, or have any desire to stop striving to be more like Him.
So with that, here I am. I have a half marathon to run in November and my motivation is little, but my God is big. M and I found a new bible study in town that we have been going to every Monday night. It is so refreshing and eye opening to study God’s Word in depth! A recent theme that seems to be in my heart is to love myself. It sounds contradicting because we always put so much emphasis on loving others, which I do, but loving myself truly seems more about respecting myself. I am constantly running to compete, to be better than someone else, to look better, to feel better…to just be better. In recent weeks I’ve seemed to let that all go, and just try liking myself the way I am. For no other reason than that God made me unique and I need to embrace that.
After coming to grips with the fact that respecting myself and “liking” myself is something that I need to do, a whole new state of mind came about. I want to eat healthy to take care of myself. I want to run because it’s fun and I like it, not to be better than the guy next to me. Someone will always be better than me. That’s okay.
On this blog I’ve talked about my food addiction. Why am I so attached to food? It’s social, yes, but when am I turning to food? When I’m stressed. When I feel like I don’t like myself. When I make a decision I regret. The common denominator with all of things things is that I doubt myself.
I listened to the audio version of “Wild at Heart” with my mom when I last visited her. There was a line in that book that pierced my heart.
“Let people feel the weight of who you are and let them deal with it.”
This isn’t about being arrogant or running over people. It’s about sticking up for who you are and what you believe in. Despite doing theater, being a singer, an improv actor, and all other sorts of loud obnoxious things on a stage in front of hundreds of strangers and not being afraid of it…I’m naturally a shy person. I have a constant fear of offending people or of people not liking me. This quote made me rethink my actions.
All that to say, my new goal is to do things because I like them. Not to be the best, not to look better or get an ego boost. I will run because I like running. I will stand behind decisions I make when I feel that it’s the right thing to do. I will stick up for myself. I will like me.